Cancer saved my life

It has been almost 7 years since Scott was first diagnosed with Leukemia. I remember the doctor coming in and writing it on the white board. Monochromatic Mylosidic Leukemia to be exact. We were lucky because the type he had was the best kind to treat but is it fair to say there is a good kind of leukemia? Cancer is usually a bad word to most but for me cancer saved my life in more ways then one. It was Fair weekend in Burley. Which is a very big deal to all locals. Scott had flown in from Seattle and my mom and I had driven to Boise to pick him up. He had been sick with what they thought was mono, but one look at him getting off the airplane told us he was sicker then we thought. He was a grey color and looked completely worn out and terrible. We shuffled him into the car, and he told us there was a sore on his leg that was just getting worse, and that every time he tried to shave his face would just bleed. Kind of like a cheese grater was the mental image he gave us. We should have known then this was more serious then mono. So we get him home and Janna, his 8 month pregnant wife, drove up form Utah with 2 year old Taylor. The next day Scott got a nose bleed that didn't stop for hours. it just bled and bled and bled all day long and he just layed on my parents bed and was soo sick. That same night I went out on my first date to the movies. I was almost a Junior in High School and this was my first boyfriend. So it was a big night for me. I left for my date right when my mom got home from work and she took on look at Scott and immediately called over my cousin who was a doctor to help. When I got out of the movie I had a new voice message from my mom. She said that Scott had started puking up blood and when they went to get him in the car to take him to the hospital he passed out in the front yard. So they called 911 and an ambulance came and took him to the ER where they quickly decided to fly him to a bigger hospital. So they fly him to LDS hospital in Utah as I literally jumped out of one car and into the other. My mom had packed and we were on our way. It was the fastest drive to Utah ever. I don't really remember much just that it was late and we didn't know what was really happening. I wont go into too many more details of the event because there are alot, but the gist of the story is Scott had cancer and his 8 month pregnant wife was handling it better then I was. We stayed about a month in Utah before I had to go home for school. I would go up everyday to his room. Some days were better then others. One day I watched them try to stick an IV in his neck and miss the vein, and then he swelled up like a balloon and I cried all night. One day the Doctor came in and asked if he had any full blooded siblings. Yes, one my mom said and pointed to me. And the doctor told us that Scott seemed to be doing good, but if he had troubled within the next couple days with treatment then I was going to be tested as the bone marrow donor and would be a most likely match. I don't know why but this affected me the most. Here he was soo sick and we all just waited there helplessly for the doctors to make everything right, and now I was told I would be able to maybe plan a major role in making this better. I have a confession to make. I prayed for them to use me. I prayed every night for them to take my bone marrow and make him better. I wanted to be the hero in all this. Because from the day I was born I had a instant protector who was my hero, and I wanted to return the favor and save him. Turns out he wasn't the one who needed saving because he was a strong fighter. Turns out that it was me who needed saving and once again my big brother came to the rescue. It was from that day that I decided life was worth living. There are always two roads you can take. The right one or the wrong one. I had seen many examples of wrong roads taken in my life and Scott was never one of them. He always seems to make the right decisions and do the right things and so I am positive that he was sick not because he needed it, but because we needed it as a family to unite, and because I needed to be inspired on how I needed to live my life. He has always been a hero in my life. So almost 7 years later when he starts running marathons and triathlons I am once again inspired to do the same. He has survived cancer and is accomplishing things some only dream about and I have no excuses. I have said before the running is the hardest thing I have ever done physically and emotionally, but if he can do it so can I. When the alarm goes off at 5:45 in the morning it is these pictures that get me out of bed. There are only limits in life when you put them in your path. I am finally going to live up to my potential for the first time in my life and it is all because of Scott and his strength and his will to live life to the fullest. I run because I am healthy, I run because I can, I run because I am alive. Cancer has once again saved my life.

Goodbye Norma Jean...

Well it has been almost a year since I moved to Utah! Crazy how fast time flys. About 2 months after I moved here I started having stomach troubles. It was a little uncomfortable at first but I didn't think too much of it. Mostly I just thought at the worst I might have an ulcer, but I could just wait it out and it would pass. Plus I didn't have health insurance. Well weeks turned into months and it was getting to the point where all I could eat was fruit and rice. I then started to get these horrible attacks where my stomach would just charlie horse and I spent more times kneeling at the porcelain throne then I had in my whole life. My body was rejecting food, and I was soo sick I was having sympathy for pregnant ladies and old nursing home patients. It was getting to the point were I knew something had to be done because I just seemed to be getting sicker so I decided to make an appointment with a specialist just to see if I could somehow get to the bottom of this, I think at that point I had lost at 20lbs and although I do love losing weight I knew it was not healthy. Anyways I go to see Dr. Schmidt a Gastro something Specialist, and he listens to my story and decided he first wants to shove a scope down my throat and check out my stomach to see if it is an ulcer. I was fine with that because he was the doctor and I was really ready to find out what the heck was wrong with me. Now when I first called to set up an appointment I made sure to let them know that I didn't have insurance and they told me that was okay. Well I go in and have this scope thing done and told him I just wasn't quite sure he was going to find anything. I was right. His assistant called me that next week and told me he didn't find anything and that they couldn't help me further because I had no insurance. So back to square one except now I had a big fat bill to pay for. Thank you doctor. When did doctors care more about money then helping people? I mean I probably bought that nice fancy outfit he was wearing when we met. If I could say one thing to him it would be your welcome for the suit loser. However we all know that everything happens for a reason so there has got to be some sort of lesson learned here. So I talk with my parents and I decide to go home to see if the doctors we know personally can help me there. So I go in and have an ultra sound this time and we finally found the culprit.... gallstones! Those dirty little buggers were what I was feeling like I was giving birth to! So I was excited for the first time in months and thought they were going to take this thing out and send me on my way. Well we all know I usually don't get my way when it comes to things working out they way I plan them so when I met with the Doctor in Burley she told me that since I didn't have insurance the only way they were able to perform the surgery by law was if it was an emergency and even though I was puking my guts out every morning and not eating much. It still wasn't life threatening enough so until I was on my death bed they weren't able to do anything about it! Rejected a second time... I swear I thought I was going to lose it at that point. Another thing that was happening to me is that I was getting depressed. I cannot really describe that state of mind I was in at that point, but there is something that happens to you soul when your body is turning against you. It is not a fun place to hang out in for very long. So I pack up my things and head back to Salt Lake to wait it out. Good thing god is kind because that night I woke up around 4 am with the worst attack of my life and started to hyperventilate to the point of not being able to breathe. I had my mom on the phone freaking out and calling everyone she knew, but no one was answering. So I am laying on the floor trying to suck up some sort of air and screaming because I was going to die and my mom yells at me to call 911. So I do. They send out a fire truck and a ambulance and about 10 men come in to rescue me. At that point the attack was passing and I was able to breathe again. But I willingly went into the ambulance and had them take me to LDS hospital. Can I tell you that the ER is crawling with freaks at that time of the day. I mean I saw people that I have only seen in movies and under bridges. So I stayed in my little room and prayed they would upgrade me to another part of the hospital soon. Well as luck would have it the ER doctor was an extremely nice man who sent me away to get another ultrasound. Turns out that my gallbladder was infected and full of stones and it was not safe to let me go any longer. Thank you angel doctor! He also told me that he had no idea why they let me leave Burley when I had gone there for help. I was in way bad shape. So he scheduled an emergency surgery and I called my parents who got there just as they were about to wheel me away. Is it bad to be excited to go into surgery? Maybe so. But you are only allowed to judge me when you have been in my shoes. Apparently I am even funnier under anesthesia because when they were wheeling me to my room I am told I was naming my gallstones (Norma Jean, Lorianne, Jose,ect....) and cracking some pretty good jokes. The nurses thought I was crazy for refusing the morphine when they finally gave me a say in it, but I hate the way the stuff make me feel. I think I puked about 7 times before they let me go home and then another 4 or 5 on the way home. We did have to make one emergency stop along side the road. I had to pee pretty bad and to tell you... without being too graphic... I could have held my own in a peeing contest with a boy. Those IVs fill you full of a ton a fluid! Around that time is when the drugs wore off and I quickly learned that laughing was prohibited. I cannot tell you how much pain laughing caused me, I had to send my mom out of the room on many occasions because I would crack jokes and then we would get to laughing and I would start crying because of the pain. Looking back it was a pretty funny expirence. It is amazing how quick your body bounces back because I was snowboarding a month later. The best news of all though was that the hospital was able to get me a bit of financial aid and I made out pretty good. I have learned that it is not okay to not have insurance and pizza looks terrible the second time around. My mom was a trooper through the whole thing she would stay on the phone with me while I was crying and heard more then her fare share of my visits to the white throne. The whole expirence lasted from about October until January. I really do think giving birth will be easy after this one. haha

I love jerky, but only when it is beef.

I've been thinking about memories from my childhood. I seem to always have a story about some random thing that happened. The one that I have told a lot lately is one that has scarred me for life, and it quite possibly the reason I am against the sport of bunny hunting. Don't let anyone fool you, when they say bunny hunting it is not the same as worm hunting. You don't get to find cute bunnies and catch them to take them home. This is a cruel game where the sick minded think it is a sport to kill innocent, fuzzy, animals. This "sport" is usually only practiced in small towns where kids run out of things to do, and they all know how to use a gun. I swear there are more rednecks then you think living around us! Well the reason I bring this up is because my family didn't really have pets until I came along. I use to bring home all sorts of pets and pull cute faces until I got to keep them. One of the cooler pets I had were 2 bunnies. A black and a white one. They were the cutest little things and I had soo much fun showing them around to my friends. Occasionally my bunnies would get out of their cage and wander off to the neighbors yard and I would have to go find them and bring them home. Usually it was no big deal. Well one morning I woke up passed my dad making some sort of concoction in the kitchen and headed outside to go feed my bunnies, but they were not in their cage.... Great! They must have gotten out again! So I went back inside to see if my dad had seen them. He sadly told me that it had gotten really cold the night before and they had froze overnight and died. Of course I was devastated but I handled it pretty good. It helped that my dad was making some pretty good jerky that he let me try. Well years later my dad conscience gets the best of him and he decides to tell me the true story of the bunnies. turns out they had gotten out and a dog had mauled them. My dad found them and decided to see what bunny jerky would taste like. Yes that is correct! I was fed my pets as a child! I mean who eats their pets? Apparently I do.

REALLY!

It was really hard to keep the glass half full last week. It just seemed like life was picking on me a bit and I wasn't very happy about it. Here is my week in review.

* Found out I was apartmentless for the 2nd time in a month and had to find something quick!

* My car decided that in the midst of being poor from putting down a deposit on a new apartment that it needed to had the break pads replaced. There goes $100 I didn't have.

*Didn't get the Job I applyed for at work, although it didn't make me mad I just wished it had come on a different week.

* Almost got rear ended by the Jimmy John's delivery driver.

* Car decided to do other weird things while I was driving home to Idaho. So I left her there to sort out her problems by herself.

* Didn't get to run as much as I should have.

I feel like there are many more things I should put on this list but I can't remember at the moment. Maybe that is a good thing. On a positive note I am watching season 4 of One Tree Hill and I am happy as can be!

I make a good first and last impression

Did I tell you about the time I took out an old lady at church? Well It happened last Sunday! Usually I just hurt myself.. this time I endangered someone else.. good thing she probably doesn't have too many years left. Oh yes! This totally happened. Alright lefts start this story from the beginning. Scott, Janna, and the kids are visiting the in-laws in Levan. So I go down there Sunday morning to visit and to take Scott back to Salt Lake for meetings. With some help I decided to go there in the morning so that I could spend a whole day with the kids. We all went to church and I got beat up by Caden during sacrament, and then listened to a very interesting Sunday School.... small towns have a little bit different church then the rest of us. You never know what you are going to get! lol... Well I walk to Relief Society with Janna.... Okay this is the day after my 5K mind you and then on top of that it was fast Sunday maybe I might have been a little deficient in some nutritional areas... who knows!.. So we are walking and chatting and we go to walk down like 5 stairs to the room and I'm not very sure on the exact events but basically I fell down the stairs my left hand grabbed the hand rail as my right side flew into an old woman and I ended up spinning around and coming to a nice stop sitting on the stairs. haha everyone gathered around and I just sat there for a couple seconds thinking Oh hell please say that didn't happen! Well I picked myself up and was nicely escorted to our room by the friend of the poor lady that stopped my fall. She asked me if anything else was hurt besides my pride, and I said no luckily I don't have to come back here again! Then I spend an hour in Relief Society giggling about the fall. Can you believe my luck?!

Boy you better be scared because I am about to open up a can of whoopass!

Well this is a story I haven't told my mom,.... So mom if you read this I am sorry, but I know you don't sleep well as it is, and I didn't want to contribute to that more then I already do. Oh and I haven't bought mace yet... it's still on my to-do list....

Alrighty! Well I wasn't going to tell this story, but I made a commitment when I started this blog to write down all of my crazy adventures.. that I dont ask for. So the truth is I have lived in SLC city long enough it just wouldn't be the same without a creppy man story. So here goes. Oh and you should know that mentally I am very prepared to kick some butt if I have to. I am always ready! You have to be when you have luck like mine! So... I went on a run the other day and decided to run to my gym which is a couple miles down the street... downhill mind you. My brother let me borrow his fancy GPS watch so I could see my distance and pace. So I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to see exactly how far away the gym was. Plus I knew I was running downhill so I was excited for him to get "the watch" back and to see me run a 7 minute mile.. haha. Well I made it down to the gym in like 12 minutes and was way impressed. However, I was not so excited about working out and then running uphill home. Have you seen those hills downtown?! They are not your average hill.... they are mountains that made me question my initial idea of a fun run to the gym... actaully I was thinking..."Are you completely retarded Corinne! Now you have got to run up this thing because you have on "the watch" and it will tattle on you if you don't!" So I start my run back home and I am trucking along like a '47 chevy on the freeway. Well I pass some construction workers that were very helpful in telling me how nice my ass was.. I was thinking..Thank you very much! I'll take it!.. I have worked hard for this ass! With that motivation I was able to make it up the first hill to State Street! Go me! (slightly innapporproate I know, but honestly whatever works to get me movin that is my new motto!) So I decided to forget the watch for a block or two and give myself a pat on the back for the good work. Plus it was a hot day and I justified that I went to the gym AND ran.. doesn't take much to talk me into walking lol. Well I start jogging again and I see this tall black guy up ahead not moving, just standing in the middle of the sidewalk so as I get closer I decide to make eye contact so he knows I am not someone to mess with. ( I read that that is what you are supposed to do to get a description if you need one) I start to run around him and he grabs my hand and says it is his birthday and he wants to take me home. Well I was calm, which was interesting, and I politely ripped my hand away and said no thank you and ran home. So I actaully didn't think anything of the situation when it was happening. I was not scared or worried. I just got out of the situation and left, and then after I left is when I thought, "Hmmm that that was kinda scary!" Anyways so the good news this week kids is that I did not become a african bride. (Is that kosher to say? Oh well I am not politically correct) I do need to invest in some mace though.. because as much as I would like to kick someones butt and live to tell about it.... if they put me in a choke hold I need a back up. So maybe that will be my next purchase. Three things you should know about me though. Call them secret weapons if you will.....
* I have a mean kick to the groin thanks to a great older brother who taught me that along with other fighting moves.
*I can predict events and situations. It's okay you dont have to believe me. It's only sometimes, and mostly just my own, or if I know you really well. I should be part of the Cullen Family... I am surprised they havent asked yet
*I can run really really fast when I am scared. Like when I am running the half marathon I could probably set a world record if there was a giant spider chasing me.

I can go the distance....

" I know every mile will be worth my while...."
That is totally my running theme song. Awesome right? haha I know!

Well I ran my first race and didn't die or come in last place, which were my 2 goals, so I am pretty dang proud. There were a lot of things that happened in that short time (It was only a 5K) But I learned soo much and I am ready for my 2nd challenge which is a 10K at the end of August. The race started at 7am in Centerville so I got there at 630 and my friend Rachel, me, and her sister walked over. I was soo nervous when we got there because there were just tons and tons of people all over everywhere and some of them were looking pretty intense. And I am thinking.. Oh boy I hope I got signed up for the 5K cause these people are looking like they are running a marathon. I was slightly intimidated and very nervous but I could not stop smiling. I just kept thinking holy cow! How am I supposed to run like normal with all of these people around? When I run I am always by myself I can't have any distractions... total concentration ... even when I went home to visit I had to yell at my mom to stop talking and run ahead of me because I have to get into the zone. So needless to say I was slightly freaked but happy to be there. So the gun goes off and me and Rachel are kinda at the front (not for long I assure you) and everyone just takes off. We round the first corner and everyone starts spreading out so I was feeling a little better about not running over people, and then we pass theses 2 little kids and they are yelling "Mom wait for us" and the mom that was about 3 yards away didn't turn around she just yelled back "Sorry you are on your own" and took off.. as if saying eat my dust kidos... haha me and Rachel just started laughing , and I realized that this was going to be one of the funnest things I have ever done. Good thing I had humor on my side cause as we turned the next corner there was a big hill-Oh SHIZ! Okay so here is my problem... I have only been running for about 2 months now, and I don't train on hills. Partly because they scare me, but also because I am worried I wont be able to run as far without wheezing and cursing if I run up hills, So I just stay away. Well today I was accomplishing a lot of firsts so I attacked the hill and just told myself I was going to keep the same pace, also I think someone else had a hand in this one because there were a lot of little kids around so I wasn't really allowed to curse... Out loud anyways. Well we are running up this hill and I am getting passed by 12 year old kids and all sorts of different shaped people. Then to my left out of the corner of my eye I see this guy passes me and he is in nice dress pants, a dress shirt, with a backpack and stick coming out of the bag up over his head and in front of him tied to the end of the stick was a Subway sandwich, and he is just jogging away! I don't know what his name was but I secretly thanked him and called him my guardian angel for taking my mind off of the hill. Also, Rachel saw him too so I know I wasn't just hallucinating radom men. But really it was soo nice to just be in the moment and be enjoying it. I mean sure I was sweating but I was having fun. So I make it to the first mile no problem, piece of cake. The second mile. That one felt like it was never going to happen. I just kept running thinking okay okay where are you, but it finally creeped up and was a welcomed relief. The only problem I would have to say about the 2nd mile is that I did not appreciate the moms with their strollers and litters of kids passing me. I mean come on! Here I am running with youth, and energy, and happiness, and out of nowhere a stroller is passing me. I was thinking Oh Come on! These are the one people I should be able to pass and here you are... my worst fear... gliding right past me making it look effortless (insert dirty word). It's okay because I decided that instead of being bitter I would instead decided right then and there that I too would be one of those moms that would be called names as she jogged past people with her offspring, and that made me feel better. All and all it was a very good experience. After the second mile I decided to kick it up a bit and run a bit fast, but my breathing got the best of me and I got a side stitch. I have been battling those since day one of running and so I knew I was just not breathing right, but I was not about to stop and walk! No way sister... not this girl. So I had a little chat with my side and said listen, I started this race as a runner and I am going to finish as a runner and I am planning of finishing this race so you can either stick around and watch me finish, or go away and let me be. Luckily it decided to take the high road, and I was able to run up one more hill and around the corner to the finish line. Which was one of the best moments ever! It is hard for me to imagine that not too long ago I was just hoping to make it 5 minutes without stopping and here I was finishing 3 miles. I didn't make great time. I finished at like 41:52, but that is not what is important to me right now. People finished before me and after me but it didn't matter. I was there for me. I ran that race for me, and I met all the goals I set. I didn't die, and I didn't finish last. The best part though was that I ran the whole thing. I am excited to see where I can take this. I know I can only get better, and I am happy to see change. So that is one race down 2 more to go! Half marathon here I come! It is amazing how fast I am getting addicted to this running thing. I do have to give a little shout out to adrenaline though... it is quickly becoming on of my dearest friends.

Ugly Duckling

Training for this half marathon is something that is emotionally draining for me. I have been trying to figure out why I am soo emotional about it. My whole life I have been a fat girl. Always go to food for my emotional comfort and always feeling guilty about everything. Thinking I shouldn't be eating this, shouldn't wear this, or look like this. Without realizing it I have gone through a big chunk of my life feeling guilty over everything. It has always been NO. I have always heard NO. Either from myself,or from other people. I have this voice that just seems to tell me all the wrong in my life and it has been a battle to overcome the feelings of self doubt and accept myself. If you were to look at pictures of my child hood you would see a sad little girl with chubby cheeks and round coke bottle glasses. I, like everyone else, went through my awkward stage. But my stage was a little longer then most people I went to school with, and it didn't help that I was one of the first to get boobs overnight. From a very young age I can remember feeling that I was not ment to be in this body. I remember thinking this is not me, this is not who I am. Why am I dealing with this? And through the years I have learned a very important lesson that I am grateful for..I am the ugly ducking with a killer personality, and I would not trade that for anything. There is someone much smarter then me in heaven. Because of those awkawrd years I was able to find out who I really was and what I wanted from life. I am able to see people for who they really are instead of what they might appear to be. I am able to find happiness in small and simple pleasures. And I dont let a man control how I feel about myself. Those are things that are very important to me and I dont think I would have developed otherwise. Through training for this half marathon I have realized that my layers are slowly shedding, and I am becoming the girl I have always known I was. I feel beautiful inside and out, and it is nice to know I am making this happen. I am saying YES for the first time and pushing myself and letting myself progress